Last summer, I went on a trip to Kauai, Hawaii with a friend and her family. It was an amazing time with the Lord, and it felt like I was on a honeymoon with Jesus. It was the first trip, in a long time where I had no agenda, no itinerary, and no scheduled plan of events. All I wanted to do was lay in the sun and rest and be refreshed.
Recently, I was reminded about a vision that I had while laying at the pool one day in Kauai, and I thought that I would share it on this blog to remind myself of the faithfulness of God and to possibly encourage someone with my testimony.
I wrote this letter to a friend who had given me a note of encouragement and as I read her encouragement I realized that it was a direct word of confirmation to me from my Husband, my Savior, my Friend, my Jesus.
And it goes a little something like this...
You said in your letter to me “My heart was blessed by the work of God in your life. All of the sudden I saw what a beautiful bride you are. The presence of Christ and the work of the Holy Spirit shine through you”. I thought "Wow! When I look at me, I see evil thoughts, I see a critical nature, and I see a wicked heart. I don’t see the bride, all dressed in white, that's for sure"…
So here is the Kauai story that I shared with my friend in response to her encouragement. This is a true story and no I wasn't drunk, hung-over, or on any mind altering chemicals. LOL
One day, while I was lounging in the sun in Kauai, I was reading the book Pilgrims Progress. Have you read it? There is a part in the story when Christiana, a new pilgrim, and her family have just been attacked, but were rescued by their guide Mr. Goodheart. After the battle they arrive at their destination only to be told by Mr. Goodheart that he would not accompany them further from this point. When asked why not, he replied that she had not asked his master for a guide and protector for the complete journey, and if she had asked, she would have received.
This made me kind of sad and I began to think that I had never looked at having a husband as a spiritual guide and protector in that way before. I know that the Lord is all of this to me and so much more, and I struggle with the thoughts of “is this desire to have a husband an idol in my life or did the Lord put it there”, so sometimes I lose faith and get discouraged because I want what I want and I want it now and when I don't get it I throw a fit! One day I want a husband, one day I don’t, and quite often I don't really know what I want so I get even more confused.
I decided that I had better go to the Lord in prayer and so I asked Him that if it was His will that He would send a guide and protector into my life and that I would be willing to receive his love. I also confessed the desire to honor and to serve him as a bride should.
A little while later, maybe it was heat stroke-ha-ha-ha, I began gazing at the billowing clouds and suddenly the form of a bride appeared, dressed in a beautiful and flowing white gown, slowly the wind moved the clouds into a new image of a bride in a completely different wedding gown, just as beautiful as the first but this one had a satin sash around the waist just below the bosom and the bride was holding a bouquet. I was in awe! I was praising Him the whole time, saying, Lord, You are amazing! This is so cool!!!
Next, the image of the bride turned sideways into a profile and as it was being formed I began to see my profile, my image. No way, Lord! How did You do that? You are amazing! And then another image began to take shape directly behind my profile. Back to back was the profile of the Bridegroom and Bride. Did I recognize his face, no. Was it the Lord? Was it my future husband?
So this image floats away into the blue sky, and I am moved deeply by the experience and I am longing to see His face. I cry out to Him and ask Him if He would show Himself to me. Lord, this may sound silly but You are God, will You show me your face in the clouds? Soon a little puff of a cloud appears and it turns into an angel who has wings and a trumpet, announcing the arrival of the King, and with the next cloud there sits the Lord, on His throne, sitting ever so humbly, gently, patiently, lovingly, tenderly inviting, offering a place to sit, to rest and to relax. And I see yet another cloud image, and it’s that of a girl, dressed in a simple white gown, arms outstretched to the sky, but legs leaping away from the throne and from His lap.
I knew that the little girl was me and my heart broke at the bittersweet thought of seeing myself jumping away from Him with my arms outstretched. Doing things my way, going ahead of Him, but reaching out for Him; (no wonder I’m confused☺) trying to be the judge, jury and author of mine and other people’s lives and relationships with God; not loving as He loves; losing faith through selfish unfulfilled desires; being discouraged by peoples words and my interpretation of those words; allowing the truth to be confused with the lies in my mind. The adversary walks about like a roaring lion...
Seeing His love for me in a whole new realm, is a little out of my comfort zone, so my prayer is that I would learn to slow down and sit in His lap. I am tired of running away from His love, and pray that I would continue to be able to receive it as He reveals it. As I begin to see and accept the reality that I am His bride, I pray for His love to be made real within my heart, and that no doubt would come between us. It is my hearts prayer to understand His grace and mercy for me, and how to extend that grace and mercy to those that He ministers to through this life that He has given to me.
In closing, it is funny that as I read this again, many months later, I look back and wonder how could I have forgotten that vision so easily? How could I have run away from Him, if only for a night, so quickly? How could I have forgotten my own prayer to Him? How could I have allowed myself to believe all the lies from the adversary?
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see.
